Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like your whole life is about to fall apart. Well thats how I feel now. Not only today but for the last little while as well. Things with Wesley and I seem to be constantly heading downhill for the last couple of weeks. For some reason he just doesnt trust me and I cant seem to understand why. I even confronted him tonight about savind my messages from my messenger to the computer. At least he admitted it. As well as admitting that he does not trust me. I mean what the hell right. I spend every minute or the day in his parents house. If I do go anywhere it is either with him or with his parents. I talk to some frineds online, but I even went far enough with that that I blocked all male contacts on my list other then family member and some of our friends...which only amount to 2 people. I mean I just dont understand why he doesnt trust me. I feel like no matter what I do I just cant do anything right for him anymore. Its almost like he wants to find a way out of the relationship. I wish that he would just tell me if that were the case, It would make things so much easier. I mean I have done nothing at all to cause him to have trust issues with me and it hurts so much.

  I mean really...if I had anything to hide from him why would I give him the password to my e mail and my messenger. It doesnt make sense at all. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how much he needs me, but how can you love someone and need them so much when you dont even trust them, So that is why I told him tonight that the first chance that I get I am leaving,,,Im gonna book a plane ticket and get outta here.

  Does he realize how much this is killing me and tearing me up inside, I have never Loved anyone that way that I love him. I have never wanted to be with someone as bad as I want to be with him and I just dont know what to do to get him to believe me. I mean we are engaged for christ sake, We have been together for a year and a half now.  HE knows everything that there is to know about me and he is my best friend...well up untilo the last couple of weeks. Its like I cant even talk to him anymore.

 Im just trying to figure out what the hell that I did. He wont talk to me about anything. He just seems to take everything as a joke...when i tried talking to him tonight all he did was laugh at it. I really dont see how any of this is funny...not in the least. Its hard enough that Im here with his family and dont have anyone that I can talk to, and I know that he knows how that feels cause when we were in ontario that was how it was for him. So why in the hell would he want to put me though the same thing that he went though up there. That was one of the main reasons for us comming back as far as I knew. And i really thought that eveything was gonna be better once we came back, and  i thought that it was, but lately its like he dont want me around...and he wont tell me whats on his mind...he wont tell me what s going on. Like i said if he just dont want to be with me why dont he just tell me.

   Im just sick of feeling like I have done something wrong...like Im the one that should confess something to him. But like I told him I have nothing to hide and i wish that he would just see that but no matter what i say it dont really make a difference to him to him it seems.

  I cant remember the last time that i felt so alone and lost when the one person that i care about the most in the world is right beside me. I have nowhere else to go here other then with his family and it kills me, What in the hell did I do to make him not trust me i really dont understand and he wont talk to me.

    I trusted him with my heart which i thought for so long that i wouldnt beable to do again,I let him in and let him get close. And over the last year and a half we have been though a lot together but t him it dont seem to matter. Guess that hes just tired and bored of me now and is trying to find a reason to get rid of me.

   I dunno anymore. I really dont. This has to be the hardest thing that I have gone though in a while now. And I dont have anyone that  I can talk to. If im on my messenger talking to anyone then he gets suspicious of me and wants to know who im talkin to and what we are talkin about, so i cant even talk to my sisters about what is going on, and seeming how he keeps a record of my conversations now then nothing is private anymore. I just wish that I knew what in the hell went wrong...what in the hell i done wrong. I did nothing to make him think that there may be something going on with me and anyone else...as i said im with either him or his family 24/7.

   well i guess thats enough ranting and raving for tonight. at least this is still the one thing that is private for me....as far as i know it is anyhow...but then what do i know anymore right...

    How Im feeling...lost...lonely...upset....like the world as i know it is falling apart.

    What Im listening to....every rose as its thorn (poison)

    What i learned today...that love really does hurt.

Well here goes my first entry of the new blog. It has been a long time since I have written in a blog. Use to all the time but then,well, I guess that I just didnt have the time to anymore. I hate starting these things off because theres always so much that I want to say but never know where to start...or exactly what to say.

   Well I guess that I could start by saying that my fiance and I just moved back from Ontario about a month ago. It sure is good to be back home, but at the same time its sometimes frustrating as well. Still looking for work, and still no luck. Guess I thought that it would be easier then this to get a job here at home. Well at least Wesley has a job. Its a start. Now I just need to get my ass in gear and get something...soon. Its been almost 2 months now since i last worked. Money is kind of low now...actually really low. Still no word from unemployment...hoping to hear from them really soon.

   I must say that things are starting to get a little hectic for me...if u could call it that...maybe restless and boring. Not really a whole lot that we can do when we arent working. Guess that it could always be worse though. For the time being we are staying with his parents, which contrary to waht some people said, is not that bad at all. Actually, I sort of enjoy it most days. At least it keeps me from getting lonely...LOL.

    I had a few interviews, and one job did come though,though it was a shit job and I only stayed there for 2 days and quit. Not worth getting paid $7.00 an hr and being worked like a slave, that included getting no breaks with the exception of lunch...and u cant really call it a break when ya gotta go sit on concrete to eat. That was enough for me...called them and told them that I would not be back.

    Other then that there was the government job that I applied for that is offering really...really...EXTREAMLY good pay. I am really hoping...and praying...that I get that job though Im not holding my breath for that. There were something like 400 applicants and they are only suppose to be hiring like 80 or something. So I am not to sure on what my chances for that job are...good I hope...but as I said I wont be holding my breath on that so.

    Other then that I have another testing session with manpower tomorrow morning for this place called new tech. Hopeing that works out. The pay for them is not too bad at all. But at this point in the game I would be willing to accept almost anything...note I said ALMOST...depends on the job and the conditions and what not.

  So as I said Wesley as his job now so. Just waiting for them to call him to tell him when to start work. We are hoping the it will be soon. Probably within the next few days.  Its not so bad there. He got his job with the liquor corporation and hes suppose to be making anywhere from $13.66 to $14.09 starting off so. Can;t complain there right. At least its better then min. wage. Actually better then he was making at the plant in Ontario and he was as far as he could go there so.

   Well, I guess thats enough ranting and raving for one night. More to soon...just to keep an update on the work situation and whats happening and everything.

  SO...Peace,Love & Banana Bread...LOL.

   What Im feeling...bored and a little frustrated,

  What Im listening to...out of my mind (James Blunt)

 What I learned today...that boredom sucks ass...LMAO.